After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one night, when the missus felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm and caressed the side of her breast again. He gently felt her buttocks and moved his arm down her leg to her calf.

Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. The husband continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, “Honey, that was wonderful. Why did you stop?”

“I found the remote,” he mumbled.

Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, were chatting about their relationships and decided to amaze their men.... that night. All three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and mask over their eyes . After a few days they meet again.....

The engaged girlfriend said: 'The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4' stilettos and mask. He said, 'You are the woman of my life, I love you, then we made love all night long.'

The mistress stated: 'Oh Yes! The other night we met in the office. I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn' say a word. We just had wild sex all night.'

The married one then said: 'The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mothers for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes. My husband came in from work, grabbed the TV controller and a beer, and said, 'Hey Batman, what's for dinner ?'

here's one for ya's !

Yesterday I answered a knock on the door, only to be confronted
by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple of
minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the
very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.'

'Go away!' I said. 'I haven't got any money!', 'I'm broke!' and proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and
pushed wide open. 'Don't be too hasty!' he said. 'Not until you have at
least seen my demonstration.' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse
manure onto my hallway carpet.

'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse
manure from your carpet, Sir, I will personally eat the remainder.
I stepped back and said, 'Well I hope you've got a F* .....n good appetite, because they cut off my
electricity this morning. What part of 'broke' do you not understand?

 An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice in reviving her husband's libido.

'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.

'Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'

'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.'

It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress... The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'
'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.

'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'

'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?'

'Feckin jaysus, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I' m sittin here, I'll never be able to show me face in Macdonalds again