Friday Funnys
Submitted by ledge64 on Fri, 2012-04-20 07:16
Enjoy 
Image Upload:
Alan James
Posts: 2255
Date Joined: 30/06/09
WOW
http://www.jokeroo.com/bin/player.swf?5f9f_f369
Gaffatron
Posts: 357
Date Joined: 07/07/11
if only the mrs was that
if only the mrs was that flexi eh? haha
crasny1
Posts: 7008
Date Joined: 16/10/08
When a man steals your wife,
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Sacha Guitry
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Hemant Joshi
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Dumas
The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?
Sigmund Freud
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Anonymous
"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
Henny Youngman
"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
Sam Kinison
"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."
James Holt McGavran
"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't."
Patrick Murray
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Nash
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
Anonymous
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Henny Youngman
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Milton Berle
Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
Anonymous
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
Anonymous
First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second Guy "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
"I would like to die on Mars. Just not on impact!!" _ Elon Musk
Zach Loudon
Posts: 39
Date Joined: 13/05/11
A man and his wife are
A man and his wife are celebrating 50 years together. When asked how they were able to stay together, happy, for 50 years the man jumps into the story.
"Well we were just married and after the honeymoon we went to the tracks with friends. My wife used to have a horse there that raced see."
"Anyway when i went down with her this horse was playing up a bit. Wasn't doing as it was told. Well she said "thats once!". It kept doing it so she said "thats twice"."
Well on the third time she shot the horse with a shot gun! I says "you cant do that!".
The wife turned to her husband and said "thats once!"
To find me you have to think like me. To catch me you have to be faster then me. To be me.... HAHA you must be joking!
crasny1
Posts: 7008
Date Joined: 16/10/08
'Sometimes when I reflect
'Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think
About the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams . If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out
Of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, 'It is better that I drink this wine and let their
Dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.' ~ Jack Handy
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. ' ~Frank Sinatra
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.' ~ Henny Youngman
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.' ~ Stephen Wright
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!' ~ Brian O'Rourke
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.' ~ Benjamin Franklin
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.' ~ Dave Barry
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some ! it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can! ~ Dave Howell
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:
'Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.'
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not
"I would like to die on Mars. Just not on impact!!" _ Elon Musk
jigsaw
Posts: 154
Date Joined: 30/07/11
stumped