Son said to Dad, “I'm  Gay.”

Dad looks at his other son and said “What about you?”

Other son said “Me too Dad.”

Dad said “Stuff me, doesn't anyone in this family like pussy?”

The Daughter said “I do…”

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 10 Catholic Priests were killed in a road accident.

At the Pearly Gates St Peter  says “If any of you are Paedophiles you can bugger off down to Hell.”

Nine of them start to walk away when St Peter calls out “And take this deaf bastard with you.”

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 In the Pub the other day I was telling that old joke about what you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath. Answer; throw in your washing.

We were all having a  good laugh about this, when this big bastard tapped me on the shoulder and said “I don’t find that very funny. My brother was an epileptic and he died in the bath during one of his fits.”

I said “Sorry mate.  Did he drown?”

“No,” he said, “he choked on a sock.”

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 My mate reckons he always cries after sex.  Mind you....he is in Prison.

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 The wife came out of the bathroom and said “I have just shaved my pussy and you know what that means don't you?”

I said “Yeah, the bloody plug hole is blocked again.”

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 Nearly shagged a Ladyboy last night.  Picked him up in a night club.  He Looked like a woman.  Smelled like a  woman.  Danced like a woman.  Even kissed like a woman, but as we arrived back at his apartment he reversed his car into a tight parking slot in one fluid movement…! That's when I thought just wait a minute…”

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I saw my mate Charlie this morning, he's only got one arm bless him.  I shouted “Where you off to Charlie?”

He said, “I'm off to change a light bulb.” Well I just cracked up, couldn't  stop laughing. …then said,

“That's gonna be a bit awkward init?”  “Not really.” he said.  “I still have the receipt, you insensitive bastard."!!!!!!!!!!!

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 Thanks to contributors, the daughter likes pussy joke is cracking me up :)

The Australian Taxation Office suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his deckhand and sent an agent to investigate him.

ATO AUDITOR: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them".

Boat Owner: "Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board.  Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bundaberg rum and a dozen Crown Lagers every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally".

ATO AUDITOR: "That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one".

Boat Owner: "That'll be me. What'd you want to know"?

So I've got this mate, called Shane. His temper is as fiery as his red hair, so as a young man getting his first car, he got a Datsun 510 and customized the living hell out of it.
This thing went like the very clappers; it didn't just squeal, it smoked as well. But it had one slight problem. The 4 wheel drive gearbox was kinda temperamental, and every so often when he cornered at high speed he'd strip out a cog. Well this wasn't a problem after the first couple of times, he learned how to replace it himself, and would spend $20 bucks on a new cog and make a fun weekend of it. And as the years progressed, Datsun became Nissan, so every few months he'd trek down to the Nissan dealer and get another cog.

But then disaster struck in the mid 90's.

The Nissan dealer informed Shane that this was the last cog from his stockpile. In fact, it was the last Datsun 510 gearbox cog in the whole country. There were no more to be found. If he wanted another one, he'd have to order it from Japan. Shane went home in a thoughtful mood. He did some research. Since back in the 90's there were no internets, he had to do it through lengthy international phone calls. He soon concluded it was going to be almost impossible to do without speaking Japanese. He drove more carefully. He studied the Japanese language. Eventually he was confident enough in his skills that he was able to discuss his coggy needs with a dealer in Nippon. The news was disheartening. He'd have to pay order fees. Japanese sales tax. Shipping. Transshipping. Excise. Customs. Docking fees. The cost of getting a cog was almost 1000 times the cost of the cog its self. An idea formed. Steve had some leave coming up. If he went to Japan, he could just BUY a crate of cogs and bring them home himself. He told the dealer to order the cogs, and then booked a ticket.

However when he got to the land of the rising sun, Shane's problems became heightened. He'd learned the language only in the context of cars and their parts. When it came to normal conversation, he was next to useless. After much inadvertent crazy gaijin drama, he finally made his way to the dealership in Tokyo where he had ordered the cogs. There he discovered that the dealer had thought it was a Japanese schoolboy playing a prank. He had not ordered a crate of Datsun 510 cogs, and in fact didn't have any in stock. He suggested Shane go to the cog factory in Yokohama and purchase direct. No he didn't have the address good day and get out of my showroom you crazy foreigner.
Shane was heartbroken. He made his way to Yokohama, where he immediately got completely lost. After a week o stumbling through factories belonging to Mitsubishi, Isuzu and Yamaha, he finally found the Nissan factory. In his broken Japanese he explained his problem.

The receptionist called the factory floor.

The factory floor called engineering.

Engineering finally called performance racing. The then head of Nissan performance racing might have been paid to work on skylines, but his first and greatest love, the reason why he went for automotive engineering, was the Datsun 510 4WD rally car. So Shane and the engineering team got to talking, in the special language of car enthusiasts which transcends petty things like nationalities and race. Shane spent the rest of his vacation with the Nissan performance team, and on his way home, they gifted him with an entire crate of cogs. Shane slid happily into his aircraft seat, and went to sleep in the knowledge that he now had a near inexhaustible supply of Datsun cogs for his beloved car.

But alas, it was not to be.

As the plane flew over northern Queensland, first one, then two engines failed. In a desperate, and successful attempt to get his passengers to safety, the pilot jettisoned the cargo section of the aircraft.

And on a lonely Queensland cattle farm, a blue healer was about to meet its destiny, in the form of precision Nissan engineering.

Dave and Bruce were getting ready for another hard day of watching cows get fat eating grass when the sound of a very low flying, struggling aircraft approached. They ran out of their shed, with Bruce's dog leading the way, barking angrily at the aerial intruder. With the crack of explosive bolts, the jetliner's cargo hold split open disgorging its contents in a shower of clothing and broken suitcases. But one missile was not so soft, and with unnerving accuracy the crate full of gearbox parts described a beautiful parabolic arc, landing squarely on the healer before bursting apart, showering the two drovers in a hail of metal and dog bits.

"Holy smokes!" exclaimed Bruce. "What happened to me dog?"

Bruce looked at the metal chunk lodged in his hat. It reminded him of a particularly easily broken part in his paddock basher, a reliable but rusty old 510 with all the windows put out.

"Well as a guess Bruce mate," began Dave, "it looks to me like it's raining Datsun Cogs."

 

A penguin is riding along in a convertible in the desert eating an icecream to cool him down. Being rather hot, the icecream was dripping over him. Just then, the car starts smoking so he pulls over the side of the road and pops the bonnet to have a look. Another driver comes along to help.

"Hmmm, looks like you've blown a seal"

"Nah, it's just icecream"