http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AZZCVpeBKIA%C2%A0

http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=167837480029029

http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=306794686102856

 A small boy has a school home work question to answer, so he asks his father " Hey Dad, what's the difference between 'theoretically' and 'realistically'?"

His Dad thinks for a while and then says "Right-o son.....go and ask your mother if she'd sleep with David Beckham for a million quid."

The boy trots off and comes back saying "Dad, dad, she said she would! She would sleep with David Beckham for a million pounds."

"OK son," says his dad. "Now go and ask your sister the same question."

The boy toddles off, and comes back saying "Dad, dad, she said she would too!"

So then his dad says "Right, son, now go and ask your elder brother if he'd sleep with David Beckham for a million pounds."

The son comes back excitedly saying "Dad! Dad! He said he would too!""Well there you have it, son," said his dad. Theoretically we could be sitting on three million quid.Realistically we're living with two tarts and a poof."

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

'I don't want to know,' the child said, bursting into tears.

'Promise me you won't tell me.'

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed,

'When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech...
 
At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.
 
When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.
 
If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really shag,

I'll have nothing left to live for.'

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert.

Government said," Someone may steal from it at night." So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.

Then Government said," How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.

Then Government said," How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports.

Then Government said," How are these people going to get paid?" So they created the following positions, a time keeper, and a payroll officer, then hired two people.

Then Government said," Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.

Then Government said," We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $50,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost." So they laid off the night watchman.

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”

'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.

“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says. “We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”

Franticly, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell they're getting divorced!” she shouts, “I'll take care of this!”

She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father “You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Sorted! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way.'

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.
Every time they made love, the husband always insisted on shutting off the light..
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.
She figures she would break him of this crazy habit.

So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.

She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device...

A vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.

She went completely ballistic.

'You impotent bastard,' She screamed at him, 'How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!'
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:

'I'll explain the toy.. .

You explain the kids.'

An Arab family was considering putting their grandfather (Abdullah) in a nursing home. All the Arab facilities were completely full, so they had to put him in an Italian home. After a few weeks in the Italian facility, they came to visit Grandpa.

"How do you like it here?" asked the grandson

"It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," said Grandpa.

"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you, since you are a little different from everyone."

"Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents," Abdullah said with a big smile.

"There's a musician here - he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years, and everyone still calls him Maestro!

There is a judge in here - he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him Your Honour!

There's a dentist here - 90 years old. He hasn't fixed a tooth for 25 years, and everyone still calls him Doctor!

And me - I haven't had sex for 35 years, and they still call me The F***ing Arab.

A chap asked a girl in a library, “Do you mind if I sit beside you?”

The girl answered with a loud voice, “I DON’T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!!!”

All the people in the library started staring at the guy and he was highly embarrassed.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the chap’s table and she told him,
“I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I expect you felt embarrassed, right?”

The guy responded with a loud voice, "$200 JUST FOR ONE NIGHT!? THAT’S WAY TOO MUCH!!!”

And all the people in the library looked at the girl in shock, and he whispered in her ear,

“I study law, and I know how to make someone look guilty."

sic vid!!!!!!

Mum is out in the garden doing a bit of planting and stuff

young bloke asks-"is there such a thing as a mummy long legs?"

"no darling there isnt" feeling very proud that he is so interested in nature.

Next thing STOMP goes the young bloke on the two spiders "we'll have none of that gay shit in our backyard thanks"

A nun is taking a bath when someone knocks at the door. She asks who it is, and the person says, "The blind man." So she lets him come into the bathroom. The man enters the room and says, "Nice tits. Where do you want me to put the blinds?"
 

Two nuns, Sister Mary and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, a diminutive Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windscreen.

"Quick, quick!!" shouts Sister Mary, "What shall I do?"

"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen.

Sister Mary switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and hisses again at the nuns.

"What shall I do now?" she shouts.

"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water in the Vatican," says Sister Helen.

Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and hisses again at the nuns.

"Now what?" shouts Sister Mary.

"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.

Sister Mary opens the window and shouts: "GET OFF MY FUCKING CAR YOU FUCKING CUNT"

the last ones a classic