taken from another site


An 80-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back withnormal results. The doctor says, "George, everything looks great. How are You doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"
George replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the Bathroom, *poof*!, the light goes on. When I'm done, *poof*!, the light goes off."
"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife.
"Ethel," he says, "George is doing fine but I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and *poof *!, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, *poof*! The light goes off?"
"OH MY GOD!" Ethel exclaims. "He's pissing in the fridge again!!!!".



A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband.
Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
1. You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the product increase as the shopper ascends the flights.
2. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.


The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads
:
Floor 4- These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, areDrop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and have a Strong Romantic Streak .

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes on to the sixth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner also opened a New Wives store just across the street.The first floorhas wives that love sex.The second floor has wives that love sex and have big Boobs.The third through sixth floors have neverbeen visited


A woman went to her doctor. The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, "I've some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order."


The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.
"Well daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. Let's head to the club and have a martini."


After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less sombre. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end. "I've been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends were aghast and gave the woman their condolences.


After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, Mum, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS."


The woman said, "I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone