Friday Funnys


Posts: 446

Date Joined: 29/04/18

 I'm  going  home after  this

Fri, 2020-08-21 07:53

 I'm  going  home after  this beer.... never happens 

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 Happy dayz 

dmck's picture

Posts: 405

Date Joined: 07/03/19

Trump visits the Pope...

Fri, 2020-08-21 08:44

During a trip to Rome, President Trump met the Pope.

He later said: "I met with Pope Francis today. He's a really great Pope — great, great Pope. You know he's the leader of the Catholic Church — big church. I couldn't believe it when he told me how many Catholics there are. Way more than I thought. They have churches all over the world -- Some are very, very close (so close) to my hotels and golf courses.

He tells me he's elected for life, probably copying that Xi guy in China . Fantastic idea, though. Fantastic. It turns out the Pope is a lot like me, you never see him with his wife.

He told me he's infallible. I said that's great, you'll never have to worry about breaking a hip. And he told me about a Mary Magdalene, beautiful girl, beautiful. Apparently a hooker. I asked him for her number. Didn't catch his answer. I'm told he said it in Latin. I give the guy credit because he doesn't look Latino.

He took me into the Sistine Chapel. Beautiful ceiling. Not the usual white stucco stuff. I don't think too many people even know about this place. The paintings are great, I'm telling you. Lots of colours. The Pope (great guy, by the way, knows more about the Bible than almost anybody. We got along great, I think he really likes me) told me the whole thing was painted by this young Italian. I think his name is Mike Langelo. At least that's what Francis (we're great friends) called him, I think. Trust me, we're going to hear more about this guy. He's really artistic, and everybody tells me I have the greatest eye for the best art. It's natural, just like my incredible understanding of science. All the renowned scientists say they can't believe it.

I told Frank I'd like to buy some of Mike's art. I asked if Mike's done anything on velvet. He'll check (great guy). I'll hang his stuff at Mar-a-Lago or Trump Tower . This Mike guy needs more exposure. He's too much with the churches. He could paint my presidential portrait on the Capitol Dome. Or maybe a mural on my big, beautiful border wall; but just on our side.

When we left, the Pope gave me a bible. Huge book. (Huge.) I told him I have the full set. You get one for free every time you take a porn star to a motel room."

[pauses]

"Unbelievable. Just heard. The mainstream media is at it again. Fake news. (Fake news.) I just saw something on TV. They claim Mike the painter died 450 years ago. Sad. I've already got people looking into this and you won't believe what they're finding."

Dale's picture

Posts: 7930

Date Joined: 13/09/05

Fri, 2020-08-21 15:04

Gold

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"Just because you are a Character, Doesn't mean you have Character."

Mr Wolf

 

 

joel231's picture

Posts: 107

Date Joined: 18/09/12

 A married man was having an

Fri, 2020-08-21 09:03

 A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.
"I can't lie to you," he replied,"I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."
She looked down at his shoes and said: "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!" 

Posts: 865

Date Joined: 30/12/09

 A young man named Dave

Fri, 2020-08-21 09:29

 A young man named Dave bought a horse from a farmer for $250

The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next day, the farmer drove up to Dave's house and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died"
Dave replied, "Well, then just give me my money back"
The farmer said, "Can’t do that. I went and spent it already"
Dave said, "Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse"
The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"
Dave said, "I’m going to raffle him off"
The farmer said, "You can’t raffle off a dead horse!"
Dave said, "Sure I can, Watch me. I just won’t tell any body he’s dead"
A month Later, the farmer met up with Dave and asked, "What happened with that dead horse?"
Dave said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at five dollars a piece and made a profit of $2495"
The farmer said, "Didn’t anyone complain?"
Dave said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his five dollars back
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 Get busy living, or get busy dying!

Posts: 865

Date Joined: 30/12/09

 A duck walks into a pub and

Fri, 2020-08-21 09:30

 A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says,
"Hang on! You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you can talk!" Exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck.
"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that,"
Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.
"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck.
"I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him
"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.
"Get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,
"Hey Mr Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job,"
Says the duck.
"Where is it?"
"At the circus,"
Says the barman.
"The circus?"
Repeats the duck.
"That's right,"
Replies the barman.
"The circus?"
The duck asks again.
“With the big tent?"
"Yeah," the barman replies.
"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.
"Of course," the barman replies.
"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . ......
"What the fuck would they want with a plasterer??!"
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 Get busy living, or get busy dying!

Brock O's picture

Posts: 3160

Date Joined: 11/01/08

few classics in there this

Fri, 2020-08-21 10:40

few classics in there this week Ledge!!

I remember our first Staffy we picked up from the pound...brought him home, I figured he wasn't an outside dog after the first night as he did the same to our back door.
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My boss came up to me the other day....said he had been looking for me all morning but I was no were to be seen.....I told him good employees are hard to find..

Posts: 1317

Date Joined: 05/05/06

'Im not drunk'   cheers for

Fri, 2020-08-21 11:17

'Im not drunk'  

cheers for posting

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Bend over

Posts: 25

Date Joined: 18/11/17

"l'll smash that meeting

Fri, 2020-08-21 11:45

"l'll smash that meeting tomorrow"

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 Stop playin' with yourself, Hooper. Slow ahead, if you please.

davewillo's picture

Posts: 2223

Date Joined: 08/09/16

 Yep I've been in that boat

Fri, 2020-08-21 16:33

 Yep I've been in that boat many times! Surprisingly I did smash the meeting but only once or twice!

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 PGFC member and lure tragic

Stax's picture

Posts: 578

Date Joined: 05/02/10

 

Fri, 2020-08-21 15:02

 

Stax's picture

Posts: 578

Date Joined: 05/02/10

 

Fri, 2020-08-21 15:03

 

Stax's picture

Posts: 578

Date Joined: 05/02/10

Just one job!!

Fri, 2020-08-21 15:05

 

Stax's picture

Posts: 578

Date Joined: 05/02/10

 

Fri, 2020-08-21 15:06

 

Dale's picture

Posts: 7930

Date Joined: 13/09/05

Fri, 2020-08-21 15:06

I was in the shoe shop and I said to the assistant, ‘It’s too tight’.
She said, ‘Try it with the tongue out.’

I said, ‘It’th nho ghood, it’th thtill thoo thigh!’

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"Just because you are a Character, Doesn't mean you have Character."

Mr Wolf

 

 

Stax's picture

Posts: 578

Date Joined: 05/02/10

 

Fri, 2020-08-21 15:06

 

Stax's picture

Posts: 578

Date Joined: 05/02/10

 

Fri, 2020-08-21 15:07

 

Stax's picture

Posts: 578

Date Joined: 05/02/10

 

Fri, 2020-08-21 15:07

 

Stax's picture

Posts: 578

Date Joined: 05/02/10

 

Fri, 2020-08-21 15:08

 

Stax's picture

Posts: 578

Date Joined: 05/02/10

 

Fri, 2020-08-21 15:08

 

Stax's picture

Posts: 578

Date Joined: 05/02/10

 

Fri, 2020-08-21 15:09

 

Stax's picture

Posts: 578

Date Joined: 05/02/10

 

Fri, 2020-08-21 15:10

 

Stax's picture

Posts: 578

Date Joined: 05/02/10

 

Fri, 2020-08-21 15:11

 

Stax's picture

Posts: 578

Date Joined: 05/02/10

 

Fri, 2020-08-21 15:11

 

Stax's picture

Posts: 578

Date Joined: 05/02/10

 

Fri, 2020-08-21 15:12

 

Stax's picture

Posts: 578

Date Joined: 05/02/10

Can somebody let me know if you can see the picture below?

Thu, 2020-08-27 11:53

 

Stax's picture

Posts: 578

Date Joined: 05/02/10

Dont worry.

Thu, 2020-08-27 11:54

 I cant see it when I reload page.

davewillo's picture

Posts: 2223

Date Joined: 08/09/16

 Nope can't see anything

Thu, 2020-08-27 12:08

 Nope can't see anything Stax.

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 PGFC member and lure tragic

Stax's picture

Posts: 578

Date Joined: 05/02/10

Try this one, please

Thu, 2020-08-27 14:14

 

Stax's picture

Posts: 578

Date Joined: 05/02/10

 I can see it, can you?

Thu, 2020-08-27 14:14

 I can see it, can you?

Posts: 197

Date Joined: 22/08/11

yeah mate can see all of

Thu, 2020-08-27 15:22

yeah mate can see all of them 

Gold :)

davewillo's picture

Posts: 2223

Date Joined: 08/09/16

 Yep can see it now Stax.

Fri, 2020-08-28 12:00

 Yep can see it now Stax.

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 PGFC member and lure tragic