Now....THAT's a hoot!!

I do whatever the little voices tell me to do

          I was out fishing with a mate one day, and we weren’t doing much good. Me mate says to me “mate,” he says, “mate, can I borrow your lighter mate, I’m dying for a smoke mate, and I forgot mine mate.” I replied “mate,” I said “mate, sure thing, no problems, mate.” And I handed him my lighter. Now my lighter is about a foot long, and its one of those disposable ones. My mate says, “geez mate,” he says, “ mate, where the hell did you get that lighter from mate.” I replied “mate,” I said, “Mate my Genie gave it to me, mate.” To which my mate replied “mate,” he said “mate, quit pulling me leg mate, there’s no such thing as a Genie mate.” I said “mate,” I said, “mate would I lie to you mate. I’ve got my own Genie mate, always granting wishes mate.” My mate said “mate,” he says “prove it mate.” So I opened up my tackle box and my little Genie jumps out, and I says to me mate, “mate,” I says “mate see I told you mate, I do have a Genie mate, and just to show you what a good mate you are mate, I’ll let you have one wish from my little mate the Genie, mate.” My mate says “mate,” he says, “that’s bloody awesome mate, thanks mate, and for my wish mate, I wish I had a million bucks mate.” My little mate the Genie, clapped his hands three times and jumped back into the tackle box. A few minutes later, the sky turned really dark, and there was this tremendous flapping and quacking noise. All of a sudden the boat is covered in ducks. There’s black ducks, wood ducks, mountain ducks, whistling tree duck, muscovies and teal. They’re bloody everywhere. Sitting on the Loomis Rods, fitted with Abu reels, crapping on the Quintrex, one was sitting on the Lowrance, and trying to eat my Lively Lures Micro Mullets. The ducks were getting caught up in my Knotted Dog leaders, and one was choking on a Rio’s prawn, while sitting on my trusty Yamaha outboard. Anyway, there’s eventually a million ducks hangin’ around the boat, and my mate says “mate,” he says, “mate, what the bloody hell is going on mate?” And I said to him “mate,” I said, “mate, I’m bloody sorry mate, I forgot to tell you that my Genie is a bit hard of hearing mate, do you think I would have asked for a 12 inch Bic.

LOL!! Going to pinch that one Dennis. 

I do whatever the little voices tell me to do

A few chuckles there.

A bank robber was in robbing a bank (as they do) when his mask fell off,

he turned to a man next to him'and said'did you see my face?the man said

yes ''BANG'' the robber shot him' the robber then looked at a couple and said

did you see my face? the man said no i did'nt "but my wife did"

True story?? Try it out some time

Cheers
Dale

Kmart store 4855 Store Phone: (775) 746-4700
SUMMIT RIDGE, RENO, NV, 89503 Pharmacy Phone: (775) 746-3030
12 March 2005
Jon Walker
Store Manager
Kmart store 4855
Summit Ridge, Reno, NV, 89503
Mrs. Fenton
35 Rasmussen Street
Moores Park, Reno, NV, 89503
Dear Mrs. Fenton,

During the preceding 6 months our security staff has been monitoring your husbands activities while in our store. The
list below details his offences, all of which have been verified by our surveillance cameras and we have retained copies
on tape.
We have repeatedly given your husband verbal warnings while he is in this store and he has subsequently ignored
them. He replied to these warning with rudeness and the response “while the wife shops here I will come here too”. We
are therefore forced to ban you, your husband and your family from this store.
The following list details your husbands activates in this store over the past six months.
June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.
July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in house wares and watched what
happened.
August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on lay-buy.
September 14: Moved a 'Caution - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite the in if they'll bring pillows.
September 23: If any staff offers him assistance he begins to cry and asks, “Why can't you people just leave me alone?”
October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it a mirror, and picked his nose.
November 10: While in the gun department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.
December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna Look" using different size funnels.
December 18: Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams "NO!
NO! It's those voices again!"
December 23: Went in the fitting room, shut the door and waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!

John F. Walker
Store Manager

I'm not scared of banana's

Callsign: AS-144

Hi Ya,

When our daughter was about 4 years old, she was shopping with the missus and she hid in a clothing rack.  Missus noticed the daughter was 'missing' so started looking around for her.  Couldn't find her anywhere.  Was calling our her name, not too loudly but enough to be heasrd in the immediate facinity' and was oin the verge of going to the front desk to have an announement put over the PA when anothwer shopper asked if the little feet sticking out from under the clothes rack might belong to the 'missing' person.  They did.

Cheers.

***** Proud RECFISHWEST member ****

Damn cheque account

A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller, 'I want to open a damn cheque account.'

The astonished woman replies,' I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?'

'Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn cheque account now!'

'I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank.'

The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform him of her situation. The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen to that foul language.

They both return to the window and the manager asks the old geezer, 'Sir, what seems to be the problem here?'

'There is no damn problem,' the man says. I just won $20 million dollars in the damn lottery and I want to put my damn money in this damn bank.'

'I see,' says the manager, 'and is this bitch giving you a hard time?’

A Couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the
beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at
the beach almost every day. She wasn't unusual, nor
was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing;
she would approach people who were sitting on the
beach, glance around furtively,then speak to them.

Generally, the people would respond negatively and she
would wander off. But occasionally someone would nod
and there would be a quick exchange of money and
something she carried in her bag.

The couple assumed that she was selling drugs and
debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know
for sure, they just continued to watch her.

After a couple of weeks the wife said, "Honey, have
you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with
boom boxes and other electronic devices?"

He hadn't -- and said so.

Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and
our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can
find out what she's really doing."

Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife
was almost hopping up & down with anticipation when
she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave.

The man then walked up the beach and met his wife at
the road.

"Well, Is she selling drugs?" she asked excitedly.

"No, she's not," he said, enjoying this probably more
than he should have.

"Well, what is it then? What does she do ?" his wife
fairly shrieked.

The man grinned and said, "She's a battery
salesperson.."

"Batteries?" cried the wife.

"Yes ..." he replied -
She sells C cells by the seashore

A Woman's Poem 

Before I lay me down to sleeep

I pray for a man, who's not a creep,

One who's handsome, smart and strong,

One who loves to listen long,

One who thinks before he speaks,

One who'll call, not wait for weeks.

I pray he's gainfully employed,

When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.

Pulls out my chair and opens my door,

Massages my back and begs to do more.

Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,

Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"

I pray that this man will love me to no end,

And always always be my very best friend.

A Man's Poem

I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac

With huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course

And loves to send me fishing and drinking.

This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.

Good poem Jody LMAO.

Colin

After numerous rounds of 'We don't even know if Osama is
still
alive,' Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his
own
handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.

Bush opened
the letter and it appeared to contain a single line of
Coded
message:

370H-SSV-0773H

Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to
Condoleezza Rice.

Condi and her aides had not a clue either, so they sent
it to the
FBI. No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then
to
NASA.

Eventually they asked Britain's MI-6 for help.

Within
a minute MI-6 cabled the White House with this reply:

'Tell the President
he's holding the message upside down.'

Colin

 AUSSIE v NZ

 On a tour of Australia, the Pope took a couple of days off to
 visit the ocean for

 some sightseeing. He was cruising along the beach at
 Bondi in his car,

 when there was a frantic commotion just off the shore.

 A helpless man wearing a All Black rugby
jersey was struggling

 frantically to free himself, from the jaws of a
 5-metre shark. As the Pope

 watched horrified, a boat cruised up alongside with
 two men wearing Green and Gold Aussie rugby jerseys.

 Johno quickly threw a harpoon into the shark's side.
 Davo reached out and
 pulled the mauled, bleeding, and semi-conscious Kiwi
 from the water.

 Then, using long clubs, Johno and Davo killed the
 shark and hauled it into
 the boat. Immediately the Pope summoned them to the
 beach, 'I give you my
 blessing for your brave actions,' he told them. 'I
 heard that there was some bitter rivalry between Australia and
 New Zealand , but now I have seen
 with my own eyes that this is not true.'

 As the Pope drove off, Johno asked Davo 'Who the
 hell was that, bro?'

 'That was the Pope cuz' Davo replied. 'He's in
 direct contact with God
 bro, and has access to all of God's wisdom.'

'Well' Johno said, 'he may have access to God's
 wisdom, but he don't know
 bugger all about shark fishing......... Is the bait
 holding up okay, or do
 we need to get another Kiwi?

They were in the house together

Just the two of them.

It was a cold, dark, stormy night. The storm had
come quickly and each time the thunder boomed he watched her jump.

She looked across the room and admired his strong appearance...and wished that he would take her in his arms, comfort her and protect her from the storm.

Suddenly, with a pop, the power went out......

She screamed...

He raced to the sofa where she was cowering.

He didn't hesitate to puller her into his arms...

He knew this was a forbidden union and expected her to pull back. He was suprised when she didn't resist, but instead clung on to him...

The storm raged on...

They knew it was wrong...

Their families would never understand... So consumed were
they in their FEAR that they
heard no opening
of doors...just the faint click of a
camera......

(scroll down)

v

v

V

Colin

Hi Ya,

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man. The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane. The second man explained that he was a DEA agent and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'. His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.' The plane took off, and once it has levelled out, the agent said, 'Watch this.' He told Sniffer to 'search.' Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the agent's arm. The agent said, 'Good boy', and he turned to the man and said, 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note o her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when
we land. 'Say, that's pretty neat,' replied the first man. Once again, the agent sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm. The agent said, 'That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police.' I like it!' said his seat mate. The agent then told Sniffer to 'search' again.. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to s**t all over the place. The first man was really grossed out by this behaviour and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that, so he asked the agent, 'What's going on?' The agent nervously replied, 'He just found a bomb.'

Cheers.

***** Proud RECFISHWEST member ****

Thanks or providing me with some light relief at work.

One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob:
'If we don't get some support soon,
people will think we're nuts.'

I hope thats Ok Mods :)  

Colin

You are driving down the road in your car on a wild,stormy night, when you pass by a bus-stop and you see three people waiting for a bus: 

1.  An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.

2.  An old friend who once saved your life.

3.  The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there can only be one passenger in

your car? 

Think before you continue reading … 

This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application. 

You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first.  

Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back.  

However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.  

What would YOU do?! 

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered: 

 “I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the old lady to the hospital. 

 I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams.

”Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations. 

 Never forget to “Think Outside of the Box”.

    However, the correct answer is:  

 Run the old lady over and put her out of her misery, have sex with the perfectpartner on the bonnet of the car, then driveoff with the old friend for some beers.

Don’t you just love happy endings?!

Just got sent this by the wife :

Colin

After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when
the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in
quite some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then
began moving down past the small of her back.
He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down
over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past
the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over
her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her
inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He
continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped,
rolled over and started to watch the tv.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving
voice, "That was wonderful. Why did you stop?"

He said, "I found the remote".

Colin & Jody.

man and his wife go shopping together. man picks up a 12 pack of vb for $10 and puts it in the trolley... wife says "what are you doing? your not getting that now put it away." man takes his beer out of the trolley and puts it back on the shelf.

a few aisles later his wife picks up a jar of face cream worth $20 and puts it in the trolley. he says "what the hell you doing with that?"

she replies "its my face cream and it makes me look beautifull."

man says "so does 12 cans of vb and it's only half the price"

Did you hear about the Irish cat?

It had a shit and buried itself!

IF IT SMELLS LIKE FISH IT MUST BE GOOD FOR YOU!

LOOK AFTER YOUR WIFE...

A couple of weeks ago, I was sitting on the patio, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn.

Cheryl from next door saw us and was so upset that she came over and yelled at me....'You lazy prick! Sitting there drinking beer while your poor wife pushes that ancient lawn mower around! Get up off your arse and give her a break!'

I thought 'Shit! ... Women!'   Took another swig from my stubby, wiped the cold foam from my lips, lifted my sunnies, stared directly at this nosey cow and told her in no uncertain terms 'Sod off and mind your own business.  My wife has green fingers, and she really enjoys gardening'.

After a few days I felt really bad , so I went out and bought her a ride-on mower to show my sensitive side.   I am so proud of the deal I got. I am also proud that my wife can now sit down while mowing the lawn. Yes guys , after  all we should take good care of our wives  ... that way maybe they will take good care of us.

I have attached a picture below. I hope it comes through OK [see below]

I'M  TOO  BLOODY  SOFT  WITH  HER,  SHE  WILL  WANT  GEARS  ON  IT  NEXT.

 Dog For Sale
* Free to good home.
* Excellent guard dog.
* Owner cannot afford to feed him anymore, as there are no more thieves, murderers, or molesters left in the neighborhood for him to eat.
* Most of them knew him as 'Holy Shit.

lol...classic dennis , and yes jody, holy shit would be my comment too

luke

fish for fun, the future, and the belly!!!

An Australian  ventriloquist  visiting  New  Zealand walks into a Small  village and sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his  dog.

He figures he'll  have  a little fun, so he says to theKiwi

'G'day,   mind if I talk to your dog?'  

Villager:  'The  dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie.'

Ventriloquist:   'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'  

Dog:   'Yeah, doin' all right.'  

Kiwi: (look  of  extreme shock)  

Ventriloquist:   'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the Villager)     

Dog:   'Yep'

Ventriloquist:   'How does he treat you?'  

Dog:   'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food And  takes me to  the lake once a week to play.'

Kiwi: (look  of  utter disbelief)  

Ventriloquist:   'Mind if I talk to your horse?'  

Kiwi: 'Uh,  the  horse doesn't talk either...I think.'

Ventriloquist:   'Hey horse, how's it going?'  

Horse:   'Cool'

Kiwi:   (absolutely dumbfounded)  

Ventriloquist:   'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the  villager)  

Horse:   'Yep'

Ventriloquist:   How does he treat you?  

Horse:   'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly,  Brushes  me down  often and keeps me in the shed  to protect me from the   Elements.'  

Kiwi: (total   look of amazement)  

Ventriloquist:   'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'  

Kiwi: (in a   panic) 'The sheep's  a   f*****'   liar......'

I would hate to feed that dog Jody.

pissing myself laughing dennis!!!

fish for fun, the future, and the belly!!!

Not heard that one. LOL!!

I do whatever the little voices tell me to do

This little bloke sitting at the bar at his local when this big guy walks up and smacks him one then says thats karate from japan!the little bloke is shocked then about 5 minutes later the big guy walks again and smacks him again!and says thats kung-fu from china! the little bloke is pissed off big time so he leaves the bar about 10 minutes later walks back in and walks straight up to the big bloke and knocks him out cold then turns to the barman and says you tell that cu#$ when he wakes up that was a shovel from bunnings!

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly
gentleman and an elderly lady
struck up a conversation and discovered that
they both loved to fish.

Since both of them were widowed,
they decided to go fishing together the next day.! 

The gentleman picked the lady up, and they
headed to the river to his fishing boat and
started out on their adventure.

They were riding down the river when there was a
fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady,

"Do you want to go up or down?"

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt
and pants and made mad passionate love to the man
right there in the boat !

When they finished, the man couldn't believe
what had just happened, but he had just experienced
the best sex that he'd had in years.

They fished for a while and continued on down the
river, when soon they came upon another fork in the
river.

He again asked the lady, "Up or down ?"

There she went again, stripped off her clothes,
and made wild passionate love to him again.

This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so
he asked her to go fishing again the next day.

She said yes and there they were the next day,
riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in
river, and the elderly gentleman asked, "Up or down ?"

The woman replied, "Down."

A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman
guided the boat down the river when he came upon
another fork in the river and he asked the
lady, "Up or down ?"

She replied, "Up."

This really confused the gentleman so he asked,

"What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked
you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad
passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!"

She replied, "Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing
my hearing aid and I thought the choices were
f @!k  or drown."

Will pay that one, classic.

The old man placed an order for one plain hamburger, fries and a cola.

At the table, he unwrapped the hamburger and carefully cut it in two, placing one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the fries, dividing them into two piles, and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink and then set down the carton between them.

As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking and whispering. Obviously, they were thinking, "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal between the two of them". When the man began to eat his fries, a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were fine - they were used to sharing everything.

People closer to the table noticed that the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat watching her husband eat and occasionally she took turns at sipping the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old man said, "No, thank you; we are used to sharing everything".

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin, the young man again came over, and spoke to the little old woman, who had yet to eat a bite, and asked, "What is it you are waiting for?"

She answered: "The TEETH."

One fine afternoon two old chaps, Bill and Dave, suffering from Alzheimer's, are sitting on a bench at their rest home when a Mr. Whippy ice-cream van comes down the street.

"Do you want one?" asks Bill. "Yes, I'll have a cone, but write it down or otherwise you'll forget" answers Dave. "No I won't" said Bill. "Look, I want a cone with a flake, and I know you'll forget, so write it down" said Dave. "Listen, I won't forget" said Bill, getting slightly irritated.

"OK then, look. I want a cone, a flake and strawberry sauce. Now write it down or you WILL forget" said Dave. Bill begins to get quite miffed now and still argues that he won't forget. Dave says irritably "I want a cone, a flake, strawberry sauce and hundreds and thousands sprinkled all over. You won't remember all that so BLOODY WRITE IT DOWN you old git!"

Bill, now really annoyed, storms off and five minutes later comes back with a meat pie. Dave looks at him and says "Where's my chips?!"

.
.
No Orange Hats Allowed

V8 twin turbo diesel....Ohh what a feeling!

Hi Ya,

Two old ladies, neither capable of independently walking upright, had been placed in placed in their chairs on the lawn in the sunshine to enjoy a quite smoke.  As the day wore on, the clouds came over and eventually it began to sprinkle.  Obviously the good folk looking after the nursing home had forgotten them.  As the rain got a little heavier, old Dorris took out a condom, rolled it down over her cigarette and continued to smoke.  Poor old Gertty on the other hand, had to extinguish her cigarette and put it away because it got wet and wouldn't burn anymoe. Having never seen such a thing and being quite intrigued, Gertty asked Dorris what the fancy raincoat was.  "Oh, it's a condom,' Dorris replied.  'Where do I get them from, cause I want one as well?".  "Oh, you can buy them at any chemist," Dorris said.

A week or so laetr old Gertty was on her shopping excursion and asked the carer to take her to a chemist.  "What for," asked he carer, puzled because the nursing home supplied everyhting.  "To buy a condom," was the reply.  More than just a little puzzled, and knowing the decreased level of cognition, the carer decided this could be a little fun, so took the old soul to the chemist.

With paitence and courteousy, Gertty waited her turn and finally along came the chemist assistant.  "What can I do for you today dear?" she asked.  The old girl replied, "I'd like one condom please."  More than a little stunned by the response, and seeing the puzzled look on the carers face, the assistant asked, "What size would you like Dear, small, medium or large?"  "Oh, it doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel."

Cheers.

***** Proud RECFISHWEST member ****

The Train Set

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five year old son playing with his new electric train set in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying………”All of you bastards who want to get off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get your ass in the train, cause we are going down the tracks now”.
The horrified mother went in and told her son, “We don’t use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.”
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, “All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.”
She hears the little boy continue, “For those of you are just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.”

As the mother began to smile, the child added, “For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat bitch in the kitchen.

Saddam and Bush are fighting the terrorist war and god gets annoyed and decides to do something about it.

He calls a meeting with the both of them and asks both parties what
it would take to end this fighting, after much discussion he grants
them one wish each to end the conflict

Saddam says that he and his people want thier own land, that is
there's to do and live like they want with no intervention from
outsiders. Saddam states that god should put a wall all the way around
this land so nothing or no one can get in or out....the most
impenatrable wall ever!!!

Once this is done saddam sits looking very smug with himself. God
turns to Bush and says " Now what can I do for you to setlle this
dispute"?

Bush sits and thinks for a while.... Finally he says "this wall is impenatrable right"? Nothing can get in or out right"

God says yes to both questions

Bush turns to Saddam and says " Fill it with water"

I think the only problem with that joke that is that George Bush would not be smart enough to think of that.

NOW I understand why it's called

Hi Ya,

Very good Jody, and OH so true.

Cheers.

***** Proud RECFISHWEST member ****

Cancelled Trip

man's business trip is cancelled and he is at home with a rather nervous wife. They go to bed, but about midnight, the phone rings.
The man rolls over and answered...
"Hello?"
"What?"
"How the hell should I know, I live in Phoenix."
He hangs up and his wife asks, "Who was it dear?"
"Just some idiot who wanted to know if the coast was clear!"

fish for fun, the future, and the belly!!!

Blonde Painter

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.

The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time.

He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes.

He asks what she is doing.

She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house.

He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat.

She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said....

FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.

fish for fun, the future, and the belly!!!

I like the first one best though.

 An elderly man in Adelaide calls his son in Sydney and says, "I hate
to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I
are divorcing, forty-five years of misery is enough"

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says.
"We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so
you call your sister in Brisbane and tell her," and he hangs up.

 Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.
"Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care
of this. She calls her dad immediately, and screams at the old
man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until
I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there
tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing.

 DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns
to his wife. "Okay," he says, They're coming for Christmas and paying
their own airfares"!

A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks. One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small.

The husband comes up with a suggestion. “If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds.”

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. “How long will this take?” she asks.

“They’ll grow larger over a period of years,” he replies.

The wife stops. “Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?”

The husband shrugs. “Why not, it worked for your ass, didn't it?”

fish for fun, the future, and the belly!!!

Thanks folks ! great entertainment after a meal & a couple of drinks ( or 5) at the pub. Wish I could download a few seperately to send on.

A talent scout is sitting in his office bored sh--less after seeing useless jugglers, hopeless comedians,& no hope singers all day & he was about to close his doors when an Englishman rushes in. Out of his coat he produces a little man dressed immaculately in tails who is just about 1 ft tall, also a miniature grand piano, with piano stool to match!
The little guy promptly flicks back his tails sits on the stool & proceeds to play Chaikowsky 1812 overture perfectly!
The talent scout is for once almost speechless, but somehow manages to ask where this marvel came from .
The Englishman responds with this story :-
I was on holiday in Ireland & happened to be wandering through the green fields one day when I heard a cry for help. I rushed over to a well, & there at the bottom was a little leprechaun floundering in the water. I quickly wound the handle to lower the bucket on the rope & he climbed in breathlessly! When I got him safely above ground he said to me " Thankyer, thankyer, yo hove saved me loif, and for that oy will grant you one wish!"
Now the trouble is he swears to this day that I asked him for a 12 INCH PIANIST !!!!

I`d rather be fishin`!!!

Chinese man decides to move to Australia after 50 years of Living in Shanghai . He buys a small piece of land near to Mt Isa.  A Few days after moving in the friendly Aussie neighbour decides to go across and welcome the new guy to the region, so he goes next door but on his way up the drive-way he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens not wanting to interrupt these 'Chinese customs', he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day. 
   
The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the Chinese man urinate into a glass and then drink it. Not wanting to interrupt another 'Chinese custom', he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day. A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinese man leading a bull down the drive-way, pause, and then put his head next to the bull's bum. 
   
The Aussie bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese man and says 'Jeez Mate, what the hell is it with your Chinese Customs?  I come over to welcome you to the neighborhood, and see you running around the yard after hens. The next day you are pissing in a glass, and drinking it, and then today you have your head so close to that bull's bum, it could just about shit on you. 
   
The Chinese man is very taken back