What not to say to your wife

 

 

       My wife asked me the other day. How many women have I slept with?

       I said. I have only slept with one and that is you dear.

       All the others kept me awake .

 


Wes F's picture

Posts: 1036

Date Joined: 07/01/12

I Always get the last word

Tue, 2012-10-23 22:24

Yes Dear.

I wear the pants around my house.

 

 

 

 

She tells me which ones.

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 Old fishermen never die they just smell that way.

quadfisher's picture

Posts: 1124

Date Joined: 28/09/10

arh marriage

Wed, 2012-10-24 06:55

Heard this one the other day

I believe in the great institution of marrage says herb to bill

yes says bill, but who wants to spend all their life in a institution!

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quadfisher

catchalittle's picture

Posts: 1875

Date Joined: 04/09/08

Saying to your wife that you

Wed, 2012-10-24 07:20

Saying to your wife that you wear her underwear for the comfort factor

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Nathan

crasny1's picture

Posts: 6938

Date Joined: 16/10/08

Typical macho man married

Wed, 2012-10-24 07:57

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady, and


after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

'I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time
I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you.
I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless
I tell you that I won't be home for dinner.
I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing
when I want with my old buddies, and don't you
give me a hard time about it.
Those are my rules. Any comments?'

His new bride said:
'No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex
here at seven o'clock every night...whether you're here or not.'

PS: Posted previous but thought this a thread to repeat that

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"I would like to die on Mars. Just not on impact!!" _ Elon Musk

catchalittle's picture

Posts: 1875

Date Joined: 04/09/08

 THATS A GOOD ONE

Wed, 2012-10-24 08:52

 THATS A GOOD ONE

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Nathan

hlokk's picture

Posts: 4290

Date Joined: 04/04/08

A husband at dinner with his

Wed, 2012-10-24 11:55

A husband at dinner with his wife on his 30 year anniversary. She asks him "Do you remember what you said to me when we first got married"
The husband replies "Yes. I said I wanted to fuck your brains out and suck your tits dry".
"Well..." she said with a sweet smile.
The husband pauses and sighs "Looks like I succeeded..."

 

The three rings of marriage: The engagement ring, the wedding ring and the suffering.

 

I'm always getting into fights with my wife, and apparently they're all my fault. When she asked last night whats on the tv, apparently "Dust" was the wrong answer.

 

 

A man wakes up with a pounding headache. He sits up in bed and notices a full cooked breakfast and two panadol and waiting for him and a note. He glances to the clock and it reads 1pm on Sunday. This is weird, he thinks, his wife is always at him early on Sunday's to clean around the house or whatever else he has to do. He reads the note as he eats the lavish breakfast "Good day honey. Take your time, no rush to get up. When you’re ready, your golf clubs are set up downstairs, but don’t be back too late as I’m cooking you your favourite dinner, and then after I’ll show you the new lingerie I bought. Love, your wife”.

Still surprised, the man finishes his breakfast and walks down stairs and asks his daughter whats going on. “Oh. Apparently you came home last night blind drunk and when mum tried to get you changed out of your clothes for bed you yelled “Fuck of bitch! I’m married!””

 

tim-o's picture

Posts: 4657

Date Joined: 24/05/11

Haha, I was at the pub the

Wed, 2012-10-24 13:25

Haha, I was at the pub the other day enjoyin a few and over heard two blokes talkin. One says, "What do you preferin the morning, a good root or a good shit?" the other replyed "I prefer a good shit" the first bloke quizzed and asked why and the second bloke said " Coz after doing a good shit, you dont have to hug it for half an hour"

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I am, as I've said, merely competent. But in an age of incompetence, that makes me extraordinary.

Lamby's picture

Posts: 3145

Date Joined: 04/08/09

Two guys in a health club,

Wed, 2012-10-24 13:31

Two guys in a health club, one is putting on lace knickers.
"Since when do you wear womens pants?"
"Since my wife found them in the glove compartment!"

Posts: 2317

Date Joined: 03/05/06

Ha!

Thu, 2012-10-25 19:25

Posts: 57

Date Joined: 02/05/12

http://www.youtube.com/watch?

Wed, 2012-10-24 16:57

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fj4vLZJhNEk

Very relevant to the topic and a worth a good laugh ;)

Andy Mac's picture

Posts: 4779

Date Joined: 03/02/06

Things you should never tell her

Wed, 2012-10-24 17:08

 "Hey honey, we just got a pre-approved increase on our credit card" 

 

 

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Cheers

Andy Mac (Fishwrecked Reeltime Editor & Forum Moderator)

Youngest member of the Fishwrecked Old Farts Club

joe amato's picture

Posts: 731

Date Joined: 21/12/08

wheres my dinner

Wed, 2012-10-24 17:11

when you get home from work dont say; wheres my dinner; lol

 

tim-o's picture

Posts: 4657

Date Joined: 24/05/11

Well you would say that if

Wed, 2012-10-24 19:26

Well you would say that if there is no dinner, but really there should be no need to say that, but you can say "whats for dinner tonight woman". Incase anyone thinks Im jokin, Im not hah, same as takin the empty beer out of the stubbie holder and placing it next to it, shouldnt have to wait too long..... 

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I am, as I've said, merely competent. But in an age of incompetence, that makes me extraordinary.

Posts: 37

Date Joined: 07/09/11

 

Wed, 2012-10-24 23:19

 

Ric's picture

Posts: 83

Date Joined: 21/11/10

 Got up this morning with

Wed, 2012-10-24 20:02

 Got up this morning with worst hang over ever, to this terrible stink in the kitchen, when I went out the wife had the big pot boiling away, so I ask "what u doing" and she replied "u came home pissed last nite, jumped in bed and said to me cook my sock ! "

 

 

Posts: 109

Date Joined: 24/01/12

 Why is a woman like a deck

Wed, 2012-10-24 23:06

 Why is a woman like a deck of cards?

 

You need a heart to love it...... A diamond to marry it.....a club to bash it over the head with.....and a spade to dig the hole to bury the bitch in!!

sea-kem's picture

Posts: 13951

Date Joined: 30/11/09

I'm going down the road to

Thu, 2012-10-25 05:56

I'm going down the road to buy some tackle.

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Love the West!

Posts: 405

Date Joined: 12/03/10

When I got married

Thu, 2012-10-25 11:18

When I got married I thought I was god cause when I touched it it healed. Didn't go down very well

carnarvonite's picture

Posts: 8358

Date Joined: 24/07/07

Married

Thu, 2012-10-25 13:34

Got out of bed this morning to find breakfast cooked and ready in the oven, boat loaded with rods, bait , beer and ice all ready to go and no missus, so I asked one of the kids whats up? He said that she's gone shopping for stuff for my favourite meal and when I came home pissed from the pub last night and went straight to bed that I was talking in my sleep and dreaming about having it off with another lady and I yelled out "F#$K OFF IM MARRIED!!

slugger's picture

Posts: 136

Date Joined: 17/02/11

true story

Thu, 2012-10-25 16:03

i married a nymphomaniac

 

unfortunately she lost the nymph component

Wes F's picture

Posts: 1036

Date Joined: 07/01/12

What's the only food that put's the missuss off sex

Thu, 2012-10-25 18:22

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Wedding Cake

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 Old fishermen never die they just smell that way.

Posts: 74

Date Joined: 05/05/11

how far will this go

Thu, 2012-10-25 17:46

 

     Hey to all that have posted. I love them but missus wont be seeing any of them.

     May tell her the card one see how long I live

     Keep them rolling in !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Faulkner Family's picture

Posts: 17227

Date Joined: 11/03/08

 when you go out clothes

Thu, 2012-10-25 18:26

 when you go out clothes shopping with your wife. she tries on some clothes and asks DOES MY BUM LOOK BIG IN THIS, you never say yes

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RUSS and SANDY. A family that fishes together stays together

hlokk's picture

Posts: 4290

Date Joined: 04/04/08

Q: "Does this dress make my

Thu, 2012-10-25 20:01

Q: "Does this dress make my bum look big?"
Wrong answer: "Yes"
Really wrong answer: "Honey, I don't think it's the dress that's doing it"

Ebbie's picture

Posts: 5

Date Joined: 14/08/11

On the plus side....

Fri, 2012-10-26 10:41

 Question: does my bum look big in this?

 Wrong answer: Yes.

Better Answer: look at the positive side.... There is nothing wrong with your eyes!

Lamby's picture

Posts: 3145

Date Joined: 04/08/09

To help deal with the wife's

Thu, 2012-10-25 21:53

To help deal with the wife's mood swings I bought one of those mood rings from the market. When she is happy it glows green & when she is pissed off it leaves a dent on my forehead which glows red!

tim-o's picture

Posts: 4657

Date Joined: 24/05/11

Why were shoppin trolleys

Thu, 2012-10-25 22:02

Why were shoppin trolleys invented....
So women can learn to walk on their hind legs

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I am, as I've said, merely competent. But in an age of incompetence, that makes me extraordinary.

sea-kem's picture

Posts: 13951

Date Joined: 30/11/09

Why does the bride always

Thu, 2012-10-25 22:17

Why does the bride always wear white?
Because it is good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.

How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.

How is a woman like a condom?
Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle?
She knows she's given her last blow job.

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Love the West!

hlokk's picture

Posts: 4290

Date Joined: 04/04/08

A husband comes home to his

Thu, 2012-10-25 22:45

A husband comes home to his wife packing her bags and asks her whats going on
"I've had enough! I'm leaving you and moving to Vegas. I hear women there get $500 a blowjob!"
Without a word, the man starts packing his bags.
"And what do you think you're doing?!" replies the wife.
"I'm gonna go with you. I wanna see how you live off $1000 a year"

beau's picture

Posts: 4094

Date Joined: 24/01/10

Haha this was our daily joke

Fri, 2012-10-26 17:28

Haha this was our daily joke from the supervisor in the prestart this morning!

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Posts: 68

Date Joined: 07/01/10

Want to play the rape game?  

Fri, 2012-10-26 13:00

Want to play the rape game?   No?    Thats the spirit...

tim-o's picture

Posts: 4657

Date Joined: 24/05/11

Haha stats say that 9 out of

Fri, 2012-10-26 16:59

Haha stats say that 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape....

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I am, as I've said, merely competent. But in an age of incompetence, that makes me extraordinary.

Posts: 165

Date Joined: 02/10/10

Some actual dialogue from a married friend

Fri, 2012-10-26 13:14

Him:  are you thinking of going back to the gym soon?

Her:  EXCUSE ME???!!!

Him:  Weights or cardio?

 

He has the heart of a lion.

tim-o's picture

Posts: 4657

Date Joined: 24/05/11

Not bragging, but Im the

Fri, 2012-10-26 17:10

Not bragging, but Im the same. I aint guna let my missus get fat, iv always been on her case, I tell her its tough being a single mum lol. I say to her, if shes guna get comfortable, she'l end up with an arse like her wog aunties lol. I will put a sheet of mdf at the front door with a cutout of an acceptable body shape, I you cant fit thru it, you cant come in. Getting preggo is no excuse either, I hate chics that get preggo and sit around stuffin their face. Harder to loose weight than to not put it on in the first place. So many blokes aint got the balls to tell the truth, if I think her arse looks big, I tell her, shes thankful and happy the she looks good and fits into her clothes, and so am I. Little bit at a time fellas, so they become aware that you notice, theyl soon reject offers of cake etc and start walkin to the shops yeeharr!

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I am, as I've said, merely competent. But in an age of incompetence, that makes me extraordinary.

Posts: 5420

Date Joined: 18/01/12

thats gonna end badly when

Fri, 2012-10-26 18:10

thats gonna end badly when your beergut and double chin overtakes her ass and saggy tits

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 Give a man a mask, and he'll show you his true face...

 

 

The older you get the more you realize that no one has a f++king clue what they're doing.

Everyone's just winging it.

 

tim-o's picture

Posts: 4657

Date Joined: 24/05/11

Dont worry, she keeps me in

Fri, 2012-10-26 18:16

Dont worry, she keeps me in check too, I tell her fishin is bloody good exercise. My mates dunno how I got married

____________________________________________________________________________

I am, as I've said, merely competent. But in an age of incompetence, that makes me extraordinary.

tim-o's picture

Posts: 4657

Date Joined: 24/05/11

Ya mum's so fat

Fri, 2012-10-26 17:12

Ya mum's so fat jokes......
Ya mum's so fat she gota tan from the fridge light

____________________________________________________________________________

I am, as I've said, merely competent. But in an age of incompetence, that makes me extraordinary.

Howa Hunter's picture

Posts: 224

Date Joined: 19/09/12

Tim-o

Fri, 2012-10-26 17:51

Wow tim-o, you're a real catch!! lol

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Burley it and they will come.

Howa Hunter's picture

Posts: 224

Date Joined: 19/09/12

David Thorne

Fri, 2012-10-26 18:10

Well worth the read it's good for a laugh!!

http://www.27bslash6.com/halogen.html

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Burley it and they will come.

sea-kem's picture

Posts: 13951

Date Joined: 30/11/09

Have seen that before and

Fri, 2012-10-26 18:33

Have seen that before and it's a pearler.

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Love the West!

Posts: 2317

Date Joined: 03/05/06

baahahaa

Fri, 2012-10-26 20:38

well worth the read.

sea-kem's picture

Posts: 13951

Date Joined: 30/11/09

(No subject)

Fri, 2012-10-26 18:42

Photo

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Love the West!

tim-o's picture

Posts: 4657

Date Joined: 24/05/11

Hehe 

Fri, 2012-10-26 20:21

Hehe 

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I am, as I've said, merely competent. But in an age of incompetence, that makes me extraordinary.

Ric's picture

Posts: 83

Date Joined: 21/11/10

 Today I gave my missus a

Fri, 2012-10-26 21:00

 Today I gave my missus a taste of her own medicine, I took her to 10 different pubs only to return to the 1st one to buy the 1st beer I tried