Friday Funnys are Back :-))

Back from Bali had a great relaxing time no fishing

 

Enjoy

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r.gates's picture

Posts: 573

Date Joined: 15/11/10

Here's a couple...

Fri, 2011-11-18 08:58

G'day ledge, welcome back...hope you enjoyed your Bali holiday.

 

 

The difference between Women and Men.....

Her diary:
Tonight, I thougth my husband was acting wierd. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong, but all he said was 'Nothing'. When I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset, he said he wasn't upset, that it was nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him...he smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behaviour, I don't know why he didn't say 'I love you, too'. When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly and watched TV. He continued to be distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed.

After 15 minutes, he came to bed, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. After he fell asleep, I cried...I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

 

 

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His diary:
Bloody outboard still won't start...can't figure out why.

 

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Paddy the Irishman:

 

Some years ago, Paddy married an attractive woman, Maggie, half his age, in a small coastal Irish community.


After several months, Maggie complained that she had never climaxed during sex and according to her Grandmother all Irish women are entitled to a climax once in a while.


So, to resolve the problem, they went to see the Veterinarian since there was no trustworthy doctor anywhere in the village. The Vet didn't have a clue, but he did recall how, during the hot summer, his mother and father would use a big towel to fan a cow that was having difficulty breeding. This would cool her down and make her relax.


So the Vet told them to hire a strong, virile young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said, would cause the young wife to cool down, relax, then climax.


So the couple hired a strong young man from Dublin to wave that big towel over them, as the Vet suggested.


After many efforts, Maggie still had not climaxed so they went back to the Vet. The Vet said for her to change partners and let the young man have sex with her while Paddy waved the big towel.


They tried it that night and Maggie went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half hours.


When it was over, Paddy looked down at the exhausted young man and in a boasting voice said: 'And that, me son, is how ya waves a fookin' towel!'

 

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If life is boring, you must be doing it wrong!

Tony Halliday's picture

Posts: 2500

Date Joined: 14/06/07

 Truth about Coffee. Well I

Fri, 2011-11-18 08:58

 Truth about Coffee.

 

Well I did a study last night and it proved Coffee makes you agreesive!

Yes I had ten shots of Tequila and my wife had two expresso coffee's

 

And dam was she agressive the whole way home last night!

thats proof hey!

 

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Tony Halliday: ~Meals on Reels ~

 It takes a strong fish to swim against the current. Even a dead one can float with it

"It is always in season for old men to learn." Aeschylus (525-456 BC)

"In a mad world only the mad are sane." Akira Kurosawa (1910-1998)

Posts: 2317

Date Joined: 03/05/06

Speeding ticket

Fri, 2011-11-18 09:53

soupster51's picture

Posts: 2722

Date Joined: 29/11/06

Gold

Fri, 2011-11-18 11:01

Read it before but it's still Pure Gold

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The best reason for doing what's right today is tomorrow.

Posts: 644

Date Joined: 13/11/11

Speeding ticket

Sat, 2011-11-19 04:25

I remember reading this is the Melbourne newspaper a couple years ago.
A cop pulled over a car and was being a bit of a dick as they can be. Fined the guy about $150 for doing 105 on the freeway. The guy just co-operated and copped it on the chin. As the cop walked back to his highway patrol car, the guy stepped out of his car, put his hi vis jacket on and proceeded to issue the cop an $800 fine for not wearing a hi vis jacket on a major freeway. He was an OHS officer...

Posts: 644

Date Joined: 13/11/11

Speeding ticket

Sat, 2011-11-19 04:47

I remember reading this is the Melbourne newspaper a couple years ago. A cop pulled over a car and was being a bit of a dick as they can be. Fined the guy about $150 for doing 105 on the freeway. The guy just co-operated and copped it on the chin. As the cop walked back to his highway patrol car, the guy stepped out of his car, put his hi vis jacket on and proceeded to issue the cop an $800 fine for not wearing a hi vis jacket on a major freeway. He was an OHS officer...

Posts: 108

Date Joined: 30/09/10

lmao

Sun, 2011-11-20 21:52

 frickin ace!

hlokk's picture

Posts: 4290

Date Joined: 04/04/08

Man...... Man is a woman's

Fri, 2011-11-18 09:58

Man......

Man is a woman's best friend.
He will reassure her when she feels insecure and comfort her after a bad day.
He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do; to live without fear and forget regret.
He will enable her to express her deepest emotionsand give into her most intimate desires.
He will make sure she always feels that she's the most beautiful woman in the room and will enable her to be confident, sexy,seductive, and invincible.

No wait...... sorry....... I'm thinking of wine.
It’s wine that does all that.

Sorry.

 

--------------------------------------------------------

A bloke is in the Super Market queue when he notices a rather dishy blonde across from him raise her hand and smile hello.

He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says "Sorry, do you know me?"

She replies "I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children!"

His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful, "Christ!" he says "are you that stripper on my stag night that I shagged on the pool table in front of all my mates whilst your mate whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my arse?"

"No" she replies, "I'm your son's English Teacher"

sea-kem's picture

Posts: 13950

Date Joined: 30/11/09

Ahhha ah ha aha aha aha ha

Fri, 2011-11-18 19:00

Ahhha ah ha aha aha aha ha ha  that's a cracker

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Love the West!

Timmo's picture

Posts: 255

Date Joined: 01/03/10

Irish Math Test

Fri, 2011-11-18 11:13



A  Irishman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test.

Here is your first question, the foreman said.  "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

"Without numbers?"  The  Irishman says? "Dat is easy." And proceeds to draw three trees.



"What's this?" the boss asks.


"Have you ain't got no brain?  Tree and tree plus tree makes 9" says the  Irishman.

"Fair enough," says the boss.  "Here's your second question.  Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."

The  Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree... "Ere you go."



The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"

"Each of da trees is dirty now.  So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, plus dirty tree.  Dat makes 99."

The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this  Irishman, so he says, "All right, last question.  Same rules again, but represent the number 100."


The  Irishman stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go.  One hundred."




The boss looks at the attempt.  "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"

The  Irishman leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and whispers, "A little dog come along and poop by each tree.
So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes ONE HUNDRED!"


The  Irishman is now head of Qantas

 

 

Dizzy's picture

Posts: 753

Date Joined: 21/02/11

  CLICK HERE FOR FUNNY VIDEO

Fri, 2011-11-18 11:20

Posts: 644

Date Joined: 13/11/11

Flavoured apples

Fri, 2011-11-18 15:48

A bloke is driving down the road and sees a farmers sign advertising apples for $5. Intrigued, he stops to ask the farmer why his apples are $5 each. The farmer says "they are peanut butter and jam apples" and offers the guy a taste. He takes a bite out of the apple and exclaims "wow it's peanut butter". The farmer says "now turn it around". The guy turns the apple around, takes a bite and it tastes like jam. The guy grabs a couple and continues on his way. A short while later he sees another sign with apples for $20. He stops and asks the farmer why his apples are so much. The farmer replies "they are ham and cheese apples". The bloke takes one and has a bite and fair enough it tastes like ham. The farmer says "now turn it around", the bloke does so and yep, it tastes like cheese. He grabs a few and continues on his way. Down the road he comes across another sign saying apples for $50. The bloke stops and asks the farmer why his apples are so expensive. The farmer replies "these are pussy apples" and gives the bloke one to try. He eagerly bites into the apple and promptly spits it out in disgust and exclaims "this apple tastes like shit". The farmer replies "now turn it around"....

Lamby's picture

Posts: 3145

Date Joined: 04/08/09

Lol, that's a cracker

Fri, 2011-11-18 17:00

Lol, that's a cracker

Reefmonkey's picture

Posts: 711

Date Joined: 22/09/08

2nd pic

Fri, 2011-11-18 17:20

Dunno what is funnier, the moment of impact or the look of satisfaction on the face of the guy in the black tshirt

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 Dave J.

Ringy35's picture

Posts: 138

Date Joined: 30/04/11

Welcome back mate..

Fri, 2011-11-18 18:53

Stumbled across this one the other night... Cant wait for it to come out.

Kevin bloody wilson is the brains behind the movie i think, should be good

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0BW4D-yU5cM

 

fisho-ron's picture

Posts: 2539

Date Joined: 26/09/09

luv the first one mate. read

Fri, 2011-11-18 19:04

luv the first one mate. read it twice and still smiled.

hears a couple for ya!!

 

A blind man enters a lesbian bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to
the bartender in a loud voice, "Hey bartender, you wanna hear a dumb blonde joke?"!!!

The bar immediately falls deathly quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair, given that yo...u are blind, that you should know five things...

1 - The bartender is a blonde woman.

2 - The bouncer is a blonde woman.

3 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter.

4 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler, and

5 - I'm a 6 foot, 200 lb. blonde woman with a PhD., a black belt in karate and a very bad attitude! Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still want to tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and says;

"Naaaah . . . not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

GREEK-ONOMICS


Some years ago a small rural town in Spain twinned with a similar town in Greece.

The Mayor of the Greek town visited the Spanish town.

When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Spanish mayor he wondered how he could afford such a house.

The Spaniard said; "You see that bridge over there? The EU gave us a grant to build a two-lane bridge, but by building a single lane bridge with traffic lights at either end this house could be built".


The following year the Spaniard visited the Greek town.

 

He was simply amazed at the Greek Mayor's house, gold taps, marble floors, it was marvellous.

When he asked how this could be afforded the Greek said, "You see that bridge over there?"

The Spaniard replied - "No!"

sea-kem's picture

Posts: 13950

Date Joined: 30/11/09

That aint a joke Fisho ron ;)

Fri, 2011-11-18 19:10

That aint a joke Fisho ron ;)

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Love the West!

aalfred's picture

Posts: 669

Date Joined: 13/06/09

There are gold and welcome

Fri, 2011-11-18 20:00

There are gold 

and welcome back!!

scottland's picture

Posts: 3005

Date Joined: 10/05/10

You know you're australian when...

Fri, 2011-11-18 22:33

You use you garden hose to make a bong rather than use it for something illegal like watering your garden

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i support two teams eagles and whoever is playing the dockers

crasny1's picture

Posts: 6938

Date Joined: 16/10/08

poof the light goes one

Mon, 2011-11-21 16:36

POOF, THE  LIGHT GOES OFF ! 
 
  
  
  A 72-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his  tests come back normal so the doctor says,  "Harry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with  God?"
 
   Harry replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have  poor eyesight, so he's fixed it when I get  up in the middle of the night to go to the  bathroom, poof!, the light goes on. When I'm done, poof!, the light goes  off."

"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls Harry's wife. "Mrs. White," he says, "Harry is doing fine but I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light  goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done,  poof! the light goes off?" 

 

MAN OF THE HOUSE

A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "You Can BE THE Man
of Your House."

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on, you need 
to know that I am the man of this house and
my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm
done eating my meal, you will serve me a
scrumptious dessert.. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and
we will have the kind of sex that I want!

Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my
back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.
Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going
to dress me and comb my hair?"
The wife replied, "The fuckin' funeral director would be my first guess."
 

If you've ever had an Indian taxi driver you'll love this one .........



A drunk woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi at a Durban Cab Rank.

The Indian driver opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman and made no attempt to start the Cab.

"What's wrong with you Luv, haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"

"I'll not be staring at you lady, I am telling you, that would not be proper, where I am coming from".  
"Well if you're not staring at me Luvie, what are you doing then?"

"Well, I am looking and looking, and I am thinking to myself, where is this lady keeping the money to be paying me with?"

 

Four guys have been going on the same fishing trip for many years. 
Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Ron's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, 
firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.

"Shit Ron, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife 
came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who?'" 
I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new nightie. 
She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom.. The room had candles and rose petals all over. 
On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did. 
And then she said, "Do whatever you want." 
So, Here I am.

 

Just a few collected

Neels

 
 
 

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"I would like to die on Mars. Just not on impact!!" _ Elon Musk